Why is acting my passion?

A few days ago, I was asked why I consider acting to be my passion.
A few hours ago I was trying to explain to someone how my head works.
I realized that the anwser to the second one is needed to understand the first. Being me, I decided to try writing out what I couldn't explain.
I figured that I would post the writing since I felt I did a good job explaining it and I wanted my friends to read it. <3 I know I don't say it often but I love you guys, my friends mean the world to me. <3

Imagine the feeling you get when you are on stage; the rush of getting the audience to believe what emotion you are portraying, the twisting your stomach gets when all eyes are on you, your memory going blank, the paranoia of being caught in the act or breaking the fourth wall and the sudden anxiety that causes you too feel like you are going to piss your pants.
To some death is more pleasurable then these feelings, to myself though I live for these feelings. No matter what character I am potraying, the audience sees me as normal. When that curtain goes up, it's normal for me to be acting, we all are.

Now imagine that you are off that stage but you have all these feelings with you as you are still acting. A friend walks over to you and starts to chat, she just broke up with her boyfriend. What are the thoughts going through your head? I'm not thinking 'Aww, i feel so sorry for you!' or 'I knew he was a jerk, I can't believe he would do that to you!', instead of that I'm thinking about what my emotion should be, thinking of what my facial expression should be and what my physical and verbal responce should be. Your friend leaves with a hug, you fooled her...

Normally, I can make it through a day by faking my emotions and not get caught. I can end my day knowing that if I deserved an Emmy for my daily acting challenge. There are some days though where I'm not as good at my acting. The words 'cold hearted', 'bitch' or 'emotinless' are spat in my direction, it's painful to hear these words, I do try. I can easily go through life with out acting, but I know that wouldn't last long.

Today, I heard some news that made me rather upset. All I wanted to do was cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't force the tears to drop. It was an odd feeling though, I didn't feel empty or emotionless. I felt like a small child, a small child who wants to hide from the danger of the world. I didn't understand, wich just made me frusterated and anxious, wich caused the shooting pain through out my leg. I felt so helpess and alone, like no could understand.

That is when my friend asked me again ' Why is acting your passion?'
I guess because I do it every minute of my life, it just feels natural to me.

Life goal met!

I just completed one of my life goals, to own a goldfish named Larry!

Yes, I need better goals in life.

I left my head and heart on the dance floor...

I am horrified to admit this to any living person but...

I actually am starting to like Lady Gaga.

Feel free to kill me now, with no chance of the Reaper game.

chatroulette guy...I miss you

So I was bored tonight and decided to venture onto chatroulette. After an hour of going through pervs and wankers, I met this guy named Vinny. I wasn't going to stay and chat but something about him made me want to talk more...5 hours later and we are about to exchange emails...our connection dies right there.
Cruel irony?
No way to ever talk again.
Ever.
Can't even facebook.
Fuck.

It's funny though, how a 5 hour conversation with a stranger can mean more to me then a conversation with someone close to me. I swear, this guy was ment for me...otherwise I wouldn't have talked that long! I thought it was fate that we met...now I see that it was just cruel irony.
If you are a Vinny who is searching for an Ash...cute girl, is the wicked witch, jesus is santa, loves you shield...and smile.
My one regret?
That I wish I told him how much I loved his smile.

Everything is more epic with...

Star Wars.

Everything is more epic with the help of Star Wars.
Think about it.

Blow Jobs? Check.
Painting? Check.
Running? Check.
Sex? Check.
COD? Check.
Sims? Check.
Brooms? Check.
Did I mention Sex? Check.

See what I'm getting at? I don't see WHY all people don't want to watch Star Wars while doing it...or at least dress up in character for it...Boba Fette is pretty hot.

The start of my shame...

You can always find a lesser love, but can you find a better friend? ...Or was it the other way around? Possibly, it's neither; Maybe you can't find a better friendship then the one you have and maybe the same goes for love. What happens though when that gut renching feeling of love is directed at your friend though? Better yet, what happens when that friend is your go-to-guy, cool dude, the friend? It's a hard choice to cross the barrier between friend and lover, a dangerous line at that; You must always remember that just because you like someone, doesn't mean they have to like you. This point leads us to ponder the thought of again of is it worth a friendship to venture for love? We know it's not worth the venture if you suspect a relationship that only will be minor and last a year or two, but what if you think that it could be more? What if he is the man you were born to be with, everything you ever wanted? Alast, I think we know what has to be done, the pain and hurt of love must be put away until the feelings numb you and you can no longer cry over the lost of love because you have a greater feeling of warmth knowing that they love you back...just as a friend.
<3

A crap load of Zombie Love: Aka my comic

This is basically just a few posts of comics and drawings...This will be the most comics you see at a single time...I'm normally lazy, felt you should know.

I'm just going to go out and say this...COD sucks.(Yes, I drew that zombie logo, my art is like sex so please don't rape it, ask before using.)

If you have some sort of 'illness' you might be able to relate to this post, if not you still might be able to relate in some
other way.

This braclet does not define me, why is it all you can see? I try my hardest to let it blend into me, it's a part of me and I can't
just forget about it, I don't expect you to forget about it either. Everytime you look at me, I know what you are looking at, that
stupid bracelt. You used to look me in the eye, even if I didn't, but now you just look at that braclet, almost with a look of
compassion mixed with fear. With an act of couriosity and suttulty, you ask my about the braclet, again. Soon, you become afraid
and cautious for me. Why wasn't I invited to the party? Oh, there were flashing lights, you thought it could effect me, because of 
this braclet. I don't feel comfortable sleeping over anymore, just incase, or I thought you would like it since I moved all sharp
objects, just in case. Why must I just be my braclet? Why can't I just be seen as myself again? I never thought that this braclet
would mean more to you then it does to me...

On June 14th, 2009 I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. On June 21st, I recieved my medical alert braclet, made to blend in and not stick 
out. While to some this braclet is just a piece of jewlery, it's just a reminder to me and everyone else that I'm a little bit 
different, or to some people that I'm sick. I understand it from my friends point of views, I take a lot of pills, I go to
Childrens Hospital once a week or more and I sometimes get a seizure. I didn't realize at first that I wouldn't be the one who had to 

deal with this, it seems to effect the people around me more. I just hope that some day soon, people begin to see past the glow of my braclet...to see me again.

Congrats! This must be the worlds -insert high number- blog!

My first post? Oh joy, an introductory post! Don't run off yet, I'll keep it short. 

Basically my name is Ash and I'm a girl. Pretty basic, eh? Alright, I'll give you a better write up...later.

february 7th, 2010...I think?

Today is the day that I realized how pathetic my life is and in turn how pathetic I am. While majority of people I know are out partying on a night like today or at least on a date, I'm here in my not so sexy 'Hello Kitty' jammies with an oversized 'GLaDOS' shirt on facebook and it's only 7pm. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy alone time but not for the 5th weekend in a row! Well if I'm pathetic, I should start doing what all pathetic people do...START A BLOG! 

I'm going to try and update this at least once a week or more. Basically this is going to be about my life as a poor student's life in the single lane with videogames. 
(I also have a webcomic on side that I will upload to here every now and then. The webcomic is called 'Zombie Creations', it's pretty awesome.) 

I really hope someone is reading this and that I'm not just typing to myself...